Do you want to know exhaustion? Try being a single mom to five kids. Then homeschool those five kids. Then throw in work. And school (I thought it’d be a good idea to go back to school? Full time. I’ve lost my mind). And have I mentioned that their dad takes them approximately 5 hours a week? Except for his weekends.
I’m not complaining. I’m not. I’m beyond grateful for the time I have with my kids. I’m beyond grateful for the job I have which allows me to mostly work from home. I’m grateful for the freedom to homeschool my children. I’m grateful that I can go back to school (I’m one of those nerds who just loves school). I’m grateful for all of it.
But I’m. so. tired.
Being a mom is hard. There’s all this pressure to do what’s best for your kids. You want to give them a good childhood and provide them with opportunities and raise them right. Discipline them but not too much. Give them good things but don’t spoil them. I’m telling you, though, being a mom who is divorced is like taking that pressure and multiplying it like a million times. You have all the normal pressures of being a mom, but now on top of that, you’re worried that them coming from a “broken” family will set them up for an entirely different set of problems. Some days I’m convinced that no matter my efforts, I’m going to screw them up.
And all that confusing parenting stuff becomes even murkier. For instance, if one of my kids is being moody, is it normal kid moodiness or is it rooted in something deeper related to their parents being separated? If it’s normal kid moodiness I might be tempted to tell them to snap out of it and get a better attitude. But if it’s something bigger…deeper…I want to be sensitive to that.
It’s the emotional/mental stuff that makes me the most tired. The physical stuff doesn’t get to me as much. I’ve always been somewhat of a go-getter. But there’s a heaviness to the day to day life that wears on you. And then it’s exasperated by the fact that at the end of the day there’s nobody here to share that heaviness with. There’s nobody here to put their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be ok. The kids go to bed and it’s a quiet, lonely place. And for as tired as I am, I don’t like the loneliness so I stay awake until ridiculous hours of the night.
I’m tired. But I’m glad I’m tired because I know it’s caused from me doing all I can for my kids.
But still, I could use a massage, a good night’s sleep, and maybe a husband.